Shut the Window
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| Please note the snow pile in the bottom right corner of the window. |
To live is to learn. And I think learning can happen in two ways. The first is you slowly learn new things every day, organically. Nothing crazy, nothing earth-shattering, just each day a little more, until one day you're a hundred and know everything. The second happens sporadically and without warning. You're just moving through your day, thinking you know things, and then you learn one thing that makes you question anything you've ever believed to be true. The second happened to me this weekend with the arrival of Winter Storm Jonas.
Just an aside-- calling a blizzard a "winter storm" feels like when the grocery store calls ice cream "frozen dairy dessert." It doesn't fill every single requirement of ice cream, so they can't legally call it that. But it's in the ice cream aisle, it looks like ice cream, and it tastes like ice cream, so who really knows the difference. Same deal with a "winter storm." It looks like a blizzard, tastes like a blizzard, and if it had just a hair more milkfat, it would be a blizzard.
Back to the story-- I woke, ready to hurry to the window, look outside, and see how much snow the winter storm had brought. I sat up and was about to scoot across my bed, when I realized I didn't have to. I could see the snow right from my pillow. Because the snow was INSIDE the window. A neat little pile, just looking at me from my windowsill.
NO!! I had put up with this darn drafty window for three winters, and I was done. No more shivering every time I get out of bed. No more seeing my breath in my room. No more!!! Freezing air on this side of the glass was one thing, but an actual solid element breaking through was going too far. I huffed back down onto my pillow, staring at the pile of snow, waiting to see what it would do. It turned out nothing, so finally I went back over to the window. Fun fact-- I'm not much of a problem-solver. By that, I don't mean that I can't solve problems. Because I can. What I'm not great at is identifying that there is a problem to solve. For example, I have had a freezing cold room for three New York winters, and I've never looked into why that might be or how I could fix it. Without any thought about it, I accepted that it was just the way it was, and adjusted my life accordingly.
But a snow pile in my room is a cry for change even I couldn't miss. So I stood up and checked the window latch. It seemed to be shut tightly to me. But... there was snow up on the latch too... where could it have fallen from? I looked up and saw the upper window pane was locked in about two inches below the top of the frame. The window was open. That's why it was drafty. That's why there was snow in my room. Because I have spent the past four years, including murderously cold winters, WITH THE WINDOW OPEN. I had bought a space heater and an electric blanket. I wear a hat to bed and in the morning I run to the bathroom to change. I have been doing everything possible to stay warm in a freezing room... except close the freaking window.
Now, I'm a big believer in not getting mad at myself for not knowing something before I know it. For example, if you make a decision to date someone and then later you find out they're wanted in 15 countries, don't hold yourself responsible for not knowing that before you knew it. Just be thankful that you learned it when you did, and move forward conducting more thorough Google searches. But sometimes this is a real challenge. I do something SO idiotic that it almost seems like the universe is trying to test just how firmly I believe in this. Today was one of those days.
Here is a list of all the things I was mad at myself for in the moment.
1) Not having a fix-it brain. I wasn't really sure who to blame for this. In the moment, I decided to blame my parents for taking such good care of me. If they had given me more problems to deal with, maybe I'd be on better alert. If they had just abandoned me in the woods once or twice, I definitely would have known to check to see if the window was open when it was cold inside. But no. They just haaaadddd to give me a warm, comfortable place to live, with adequate supervision. This was clearly all their fault.
2) Not being cleaner. If I had washed the windows or the blinds or something up in the general area, I would have seen that the window was open. Maybe even like three winters ago...
3) Allowing countless friends to shiver in my room. Unacceptable. Except... why didn't any of them offer a simple, "Hey, why is it so cold in here? Is the window open?" Now I'm questioning my choice in friends? This snowball is out of control.
4) Just plain old not checking to make sure the window was shut the first time I was cold. Or the first time I saw the blinds move with the breeze. Idiot.
Sometimes trials arrive and test the very principles I live by. Or maybe they arrive to test the principles I live by. And most of the time, my principles prove shaky. At least temporarily. But I'm back on track now. Because although this story has a tragic beginning and a sad, pathetic, and incredibly overextended middle, it does have a happy ending-- the window is now shut! And wouldn't you know, there was an immediate change. You know... the kind of change that happens when it's cold in your room, and you close the window, and then it's no longer cold. That kind.
Love Love Love,
Kat
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